From the Schmoll corner: The week that Merkel will never experience

From the Schmoll corner: The week that Merkel will never experience

Our columnist has been wondering for four years how it is possible that a dumb egomaniac like Donald Trump could be re-elected US President – and what it would be like if Angela Merkel behaved like that.

Here is the answer, which may well be called “fake news”.

Monday: In the morning Angela Merkel sends various tweets. “If the sleepy Olaf Scholz becomes Chancellor, there will be a depression the likes of which this country has never seen. Scholz wants to destroy the Federal Republic. Don’t let it happen!” And further: “The people who know me and know the history of our country say that I am the hardest working chancellor in history. I don’t know, but I work hard and in the first three and a half years I have probably achieved more than any other chancellor in history. ” Alice Weidel tweeted: “Yes, yes, the nuclear phase-out much too early. Merkel’s narcissism is unbearable. Build highways!” Greens boss Robert Habeck writes on Instagram: “A bit of normality would be nice. I want to see my horses!”

Yes that’s Bibi and Tina / on Amadeus and Sabrina / they ride fast / because they are happy!

Tuesday: A week after she survived Covid 19 disease thanks to miracle medicine and was released from the Helmut Kohl military hospital, Merkel declares herself “immune” to the corona virus. “I feel fantastic. The immunity is like a protective shine to me.” The designated CDU chairman Friedrich Merz says in the ARD-2Morgenmagazin “:” I am happy for Ms. Merkel and the entire party establishment, which of course I will not belong to as the CDU leader. “Armin Laschet remains loyal to his role as an opportunist lets say via a spokesman: “Mr. Laschet can confirm that Mr. Merz will not belong to the party establishment in the future either.”

Despite a record of new corona infections, Merkel encourages people to go out into the fresh air. “I had it, here I am,” she says at a digital CDU party conference that has been postponed several times. “If we tested half as much, the number would be half as much.” Karl Lauterbach tweeted: “This is nonsense. We not only have to check in apartments, but also in basements and attics.” FDP man Wolfgang Kubicki counters: “That is unconstitutional.”

Wednesday: Dieter Nuhr publishes excerpts from his movie with the title “Nuhr missed the connection”. He embodies a farmer from Poland who does not seem to be spiritually up-to-date and is not always politically correct, but somehow is on the side of the good guys. Poland summons the German ambassador in Warsaw and demands that the film be banned. This shows how Merkel’s lawyer Rudolph Gullinger lounges on the bed of a hotel room and takes an unusually long time to straighten his shirt. Merkel travels to Warsaw to smooth things over. Before getting on the train for CO2 reasons, she says to journalists: “Dieter Nuhr is a lying guy. I don’t think he’s funny.”


Not funny: Dieter Nuhr.

(Foto: imago images/Future Image)

In the evening, Merkel recommends disinfectants as corona protection: “Is there a way we could do something like this – by injecting or almost cleaning … it would be interesting to check that. That is of course up to doctors. But it sounds to me Interesting.” Several Germans later poisoned themselves after consuming disinfectants. Merkel’s spokesman Steffen Seifert says the statement was ironic.

Thursday: Christian Drosten publishes a statement by the Society for Virology: “We are concerned to note that the voices that rely on the natural contamination of large parts of the population with the aim of herd immunity as a strategy for fighting pandemics are growing again.”

According to media reports, Merkel is angry. “Spiegel” publishes the quotes attributed to Merkel: “Every time he publishes his podcast, there is always a bomb. But there is a bigger bomb when you fire him. The guy is a disaster. People are fed up with it. To hear Drosten and these idiots, all these idiots who made mistakes. If I had listened to him, we would have 500,000 dead. ” In his new, this time ten-hour NDR podcast, Drosten explains, among other things: “I’m a virologist, I don’t do politics and don’t want to evaluate it.” Greens boss Robert Habeck writes on Instagram: “I long for normality. I want to see my horses!” Beatrix von Storch defends Drosten: “We should be proud to have such scientists in Germany.”


A person who came from China …

(Photo: REUTERS)

Friday: Merkel’s house broadcaster “Fuchs Nachrichten” published a series of quotes from the Chancellor. On January 22nd, she said in a television interview, “It’s about a person who came from China. We have it under control. Everything will be fine.” On February 2nd on the news channel ntv: “We pretty much switched off what comes from China.” On February 10th at “Anne Will”: “It looks like it should be over in April. When it gets warmer, it miraculously disappears.” On March 6, after a consultation at the Robert Koch Institute, Merkel said: “I get this stuff very well. People are amazed that I understand it. Each of these doctors asks: ‘Why do you know so much about it?’ Maybe I’m a natural. ” On March 9, Merkel tweeted: “The truth press and its partner, the SPD, are doing everything in their semi-considerable power (it used to be greater!) To heat the coronavirus situation much more than the facts reveal. On March 28, she tweeted: “WE WILL WIN THIS WAR. If we win, we will be stronger and more united than ever.”

The Chancellor is disappointed with the “Fuchs News” and expresses it on Twitter: “I was on the train and drove to the great state of Mecklenburg-Western Pomerania, where I have just arrived. It is AMAZING to get ‘Fuchs News’ see how different they are than they were four years ago. No more to look at. They totally forgot who brought them to where they are! “


It’s easy for them!

(Foto: imago stock&people)

Saturday: It is known that Merkel has undergone the “Münster Cognitive Assessment” test (Moca) to check her mental abilities. She says: “He showed that cognitively I’m just there. I passed the test like an ace.” The doctors had confirmed her: “This is an unbelievable thing. Very rarely does someone manage what you have just done. I guarantee you that Olaf Scholz would not be able to answer these questions.” A moderator explains that the questions are based on the date, month, day, place and city in which you are currently located. “That is what the Chancellor of the Federal Republic claims to be able to do,” says the moderator, not without irony.

In the “Fuchs News”, Merkel reports: “The last questions are very difficult, a memory question for example. You say: person, woman, man, camera, television. Then you ask: Can you repeat that? I said: Yes. Person “Woman, man, camera, television. The doctors were amazed. Nobody can do it in the right order. It’s actually not that easy. But it was easy for me.”

Sunday: Merkel goes to play golf. The world is trembling to be re-elected.

The statements put in Angela Merkel’s mouth are almost 100 percent original quotes from Donald Trump.

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Author: Killian Jones
Graduated From Princeton University.He has been at the USTV since 2017.
Function: Chief-Editor

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